Election Anxiety

I realized this morning how serious this campaign is and how much it means to me.  After not watching Sarah Palin go down in flames at the VP debate, I was haunted all night by dreams of the GOP once again winning the elections and of my country being stripped of more and more of the precious values that once made it the land of the free.  I stumbled out of bed and into the livingroom  where my aunt was sitting by her computer and, half asleep, asked her what the news was saying about the debate.  I didn't even think about it.  It was a natural reaction, a reflection of how aware I am of the implications of this election, either way it turns out.  I have said many times that I will leave the country if McCain wins, and those statements are only partial jokes.  I can't stand to experience another four years of everything our country has fought for and built up over centuries be completely destroyed by ideological, greedy, inexperienced "leaders".  

When I was growing up, being American meant something completely different than it does today.  It meant that you were one of the luckiest people in the world.  You had every opportunity at your fingertips because your nation provided the economy, the liberties and the security to chase your dreams, whatever they may be.  And now being American feels like something I have to defend--something I have to fight to be proud of.  I have been thinking a lot lately about how unfair it is to the people in my age group who have been stripped of their rights to chase their dreams and now clamor for a good paying job with health benefits.  I can think of only one friend of mine who is successfully living out her dream.  I have become nostalgic for a time I have never experienced.  I and many people my age have had to lower our standards tremendously just to be able to get by--burdened with unbelievable debt and ever-increasing rents to live in cities that provide no available jobs that pay enough to survive except for those in restaurants or mind-numbing 9-5's that are nowhere near where our passions lie.  Why can't we have the freedom of those before us to have options available...to do what we want and be properly compensated for it?  

This is one of the many reasons that I am in agony over the upcoming elections--why I will not give any kudos to Sarah Palin or John McCain for anything they might do that seems positive--why I will give my time away for free to help Obama's campaign--why I leave angered comments on other blogs just to get people to read my own in the hopes that they might just agree with what I have to say about it--why I feel that I will have no choice but to leave my country if Obama does not win this election.  I want to be able to stand behind my country, but the way things have gone these past eight years, I find that to be an impossible feat.  

To echo my anxious hope/fearful agony over this election, I am pasting a beautifully written article by Courtney Martin.  She puts my emotions in words that I cannot and has helped me accept the feelings I have toward this election and Obama:

DARE I BELIEVE OBAMA CAN WIN?
His idealism brings out the best in me – and in others. So what happens if he loses?

By Courtney E. Martin
from the October 3, 2008 edition



BROOKLYN, N.Y. - Like so many Americans, I feel as though I am holding my breath.

Could the quiet seed of joy that was planted in my heart the day I heard Barack Obama speak for the first time take root and grow without fear of the brutal storms of disappointment?

Could a leader that evokes awe in me actually win a presidential election? Could the beauty – and logic – of his words win over the majority of this country's voters? Could they see past the lies and distractions to the center of a human being who sincerely wants to invoke citizens' higher selves?

Could a system that seems so broken, so moneyed, so corrupt actually serve to help the American people elect an authentic, complex thinker? Could it be that – despite all that is wrong with the electoral process – there is enough right to allow a thoughtful candidate to get through the muck and emerge earnest and excited to lead?

Could the inspirational, not aspirational, America that I was raised to believe in – Eleanor Roosevelt with her Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Martin Luther King Jr. with his dream, and John F. Kennedy with his "ask not" encouragement – be the America that I live in?

And finally, and perhaps most profoundly, could this country reflect the best within me?

There is part of me, I admit, that is fearful and self-focused and, worst of all, cynical. She understands why people stay home from the polls. But there is another part of me that is courageous and compassionate and, best of all, idealistic. If Senator Obama is elected, I feel as though that best part of me – the best part of all of us – will be given permission to lead.

As Nov. 4 nears, I feel heavy with internal struggle and dangerous anticipation.

I have never voted for a presidential candidate who has won, much less in an election that wasn't considered potentially corrupt. I have never gone to sleep on Election Day with a sense of accomplishment, with the satisfying congruency of my values and those of the country's leader merging as one.

I have never woken up the next day without a deep, wide sadness, without a sense that my country doesn't reflect my dearest beliefs, that it actually mocks my youthful enthusiasm for the political process and commitment to following my political heart.

Now I watch Obama, a leader who articulates my own ideas and intuitions with the most eloquent grace, on the brink of a presidential miracle. His words about the critical nature of cohesive community, about injustice, about personal responsibility ring so true in my ears. But I'm scared to believe.

I don't think that Obama is a "messiah." I know that he has flaws, that he will fail in many ways, that the space between his ideals and his actions will often gape with a discomfiting hypocrisy, or at the very least, inefficiency.

But I am almost certain that he is good deep down, that he believes, as I do, that we could do better, that we could be better, that we are – when stripped of bureaucracy and alienation and skepticism – already better.

It is not his inevitable fall from grace that I fear. It is the possibility that on Nov. 4, I will find out that my acute craving for a kind and complex leader is not shared by the majority of Americans. That conclusion to this breathtaking story would tempt me, not just to be alienated from American politics, but from the American people. I fear that the worst part of me would bully the best part with cruel words: "I told you so. Hope is dangerous and naive."

But what would Obama himself say to that sentiment? I imagine he'd stay calm, in his top-of-the-lake-on-a-still-day kind of way. He'd remind me that his candidacy was never about him, but about me, about all of us. That it isn't his victory that confirms America's greatness, nor his defeat that disproves it; it's our own capacity to be resilient and committed to change every day, in all sorts of quiet, nonpresidential ways.

If Obama is elected, if I am invited to rejoice with the majority of Americans, the best part of me will have a chance to smile triumphantly at the worst.

Sometimes you believe in someone and they inspire you right back. Sometimes kindness and wisdom triumph over fear and brutality. Sometimes this country is as amazing as your wildest imagination of it.

• Courtney E. Martin is the author of "Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters" and a columnist for The American Prospect Online.